"My friends call me a chubby chaser." Ladies, if these words are ever uttered during a date - shoot, anytime you're near the man - walk away. Walk away quickly. Because it only goes downhill from there.
I should have known how disastrous it would be right from the start. I met this interesting guy online (more about online dating later - that's a whole other topic!) and we agreed to meet for a couple of drinks and then a movie. Yes, a movie is lame for a date but I had preview tickets to a movie that hadn't hit the screens yet, so it was a little different than your average romcom on a Friday night.
I've seen his face photo; he's seen mine. He shows up about three inches shorter than he described...which puts him about at my chin. Ugh - minus one. He's dressed well, smells nice, and lights up when he sees me. Okay - plus one. Back to even.
A first date turns into a second, despite his obsession with quoting Borat every five minutes - "Very Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiice!" (Ugh - minus 10)
He picks the place for the second date, and this is when I should have walked away. He picked a gay bar because he likes "open mic night." Uh, okay. I'm all about gay bars. It's empty, we get a nice table, get drinks, and he signs up for his song. Are you ready for it? West Virginia by John Denver. My brain started screaming at me Get out now!!! Run!!! But do I listen? No, because I'm fascinated by this train wreck I'm enduring.
As we're chatting, he throws out the precursor... "I really like girls like you." Oh no he didn't. He is NOT going to go there. But he does.
I reply: "What do you mean? Intelligent, independent women?"
Him: "No, you know." (I still can't believe this!)
Me: "No, I really don't. The red hair? Men love redheads."
Him: "Yeah, I like that too. No, I mean, you know. Your type...."
Me: Sitting with an expectant look upon my face.
Him: Searching for words, "Well, my friends call me a chubby chaser..." (Minus 100)
Me: "Seriously, did you just tell me that?"
Him: Defensive. "Well, I like what I like!!"
Me: "Why don't you write this down for the next girl you meet. You don't tell the chubby you're chasing that your friends call you a 'chubby chaser.'"
It was shock and awe. He hit me so hard and so fast I wasn't sure what to do. I was rooted in the sand. He tried to pick up the conversation from there. But after that, it just got worse. The waiter at the gay bar asked if I was his "beard"; my date then sang the worse rendition of John Denver I'd ever heard in my life; then he started arguing over our differing political views.
This chubby had had enough. I jumped out of my seat, threw a $20 on the table, and told him, "Listen, buddy. You're rude, you can't sing, and the waiter thinks you're gay. You can stop chasing this chubby. I'm out." You want a movie quote? How about Yippee-cayay, mother f***er. Or, he can kiss both sides of my a$$. Or just plain, SCREW YOU!
I felt glorious, despite the angry tears in the corner of my eyes. He ran after me to accuse me of being "crazy" and "needing pills" but I still felt like I had won the day.
So ladies, let this be a lesson. If a guy lies about his height - it's one thing. If he can't stop quoting Borat - that's bad, too. But when he proclaims that he's a "chubby chaser" - walk away. Walk as quickly and as far away as you can. Because it doesn't get any better than that.
**Look for a new volume of dating horror stories each week!**
2 comments:
Oh.My.Gosh. Are you at the point where you can laugh about this yet? I was hoping to read at the end of the post that Ashton jumped out proclaiming you were, in fact, punked.
omg- how have i never found your blog before? amazing. i'm addicted.
xoxo
beth b.
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